The Quest for the Golden Egg
Gretel shouted and put the plan into motion.
“Grizzle! Glimwog and Goblidigo!” She yelled, “Let’s go! The soakedshroom recipe doesn’t stir itself. And Thlothus, I’m no Saint Margaret washing the feet of orphans, I won’t do charity unless it’s for a curse—make sure he doesn’t give the egg to a family of squirrels or something.”
Thlothus paused, and spoke up, “I know what we should do — but for the sake of the goblin cohort as a whole, could we get a run down of the execution of the plan? But a living execution, don’t want to make it a two tomb graveyard AHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAH” his laugh almost distracted from the screech of the banshee who watched them from just outside Lucus.
Gretel sighed, but announced without acknowledging the banshee, “Goblins, Grizzle will go with you to find Glugubrius and wait for his goose to poop money. I’ll take the lunatics to assist me with the brewing.”
Glimwog excitedly ran up with a piece of surgery equipment, a device to drill a hole in a skull. Goblidigo carefully waddles over with two Jerry cans, much too heavy for the tiny goblin to carry without looking ridiculous. Grizzle sets down the cauldron with practiced ease.
Gretel began to hum a wicked tune. “Gasoline and coca leaves with Gerasene kerosene mixed with a used trephine — don’t fret about hygiene when it comes to spirit cuisine — throw in nineteen coffee beans for the caffeine, poppy seeds for the morphine.”
Goblidigo threw coffee beans one by one and Glimwog dumped a gross amount of poppy seeds.
Gretel cackles, as she always does when making a potion.
“Wormwood, star anise, rabbits foot paste, and dragon sneeze. Boil on low until it steams. Reductio ad absurdum!”
Gretel threw copper dust she had harvested from Skalvchuk’s automatons. A green fire burned beneath the cauldron. Goblin took Thlothus, Thive, and Grizzle out through the exit of Lucus. They could still hear Gretel announce her process.
Her voice echoed through the trees, “Dilute the concentrate with the liquid conception concoction, add sugar before the spice so it gurgles up real nice. Mixing toil and prepare for trouble, make it double double with a shot of espressel, wait for the cauldron to bubble then add in epazote and galangal. Three teardrops of the basement gnome who crossed me. Finish her off with a cup of hydroxyzine to smooth things over and half a drop of hydrofluoric that you’ll notice too late to bring it all together.” The wooden spoon is dissolved by the acidic concoction. Gretel clapped six times rapidly. “And that’s how we make our potion to soak the mushrooms in!” She clapped three more times.
As they walked off, the goblin murmured, “I’m pretty sure they’re shiitake mushrooms that are soaked in the potion. She really should be using a plastic spoon. I can’t believe I haven’t been promoted yet.”
ACT I — THE GOBLIN 